Weekly weigh-in; plus: life is doing that damn hectic thing again

The numbers:

• Today's weight: 202.0 lb
• Change since last week: -1.0 lb
• Cumulative weight loss: 132.0 lb
• Average weekly weight change: -1.71 lb

Given how hectic my life has been and continues to be right now, I'm fine with these numbers. At least something in my life is being reliable.

Not that what's going on right now is bad--quite the opposite. I'm been masterminding my congregation's les/bi/gay/trans Pride activities, which actually pretty damn worthwhile--not to mention lots of fun. But there's no denying it's also lots of work, and I'm really getting in touch with the fact that my psyche has just had enough of the kind of stress involved in planning and managing large multi-person projects.

I really need to not be in charge of any such projects for a good long while after this, for any number of reasons:

1. Psychologically I'm just not suited for it long-term. I'm way too thin-skinned, way too anxiety-prone. Yeah, I suck it up and get the job done anyway, but the price my body and psyche pay, both immediately and in the long term, is way too high.
2. I've spent too many years postponing my own personal needs (emotional and creative) because I was putting the needs of some other person or organization first. I have unwittingly absorbed some belief that it is "selfish" to lavish huge amounts of attention on something as lacking in utilitarian usefulness as my personal writing and art. I'm tired of strangling myself with this one.
3. And those neglected personal needs include my health regimen. I am still sorely neglecting the exercise portion of the program. Especially now that I'm living in a wonderfully walkable neighborhood, I really need to get with that exercise stuff.
4. Mr. E really deserves a less distracted me.
5. Spiritual stuff: I'm feeling this strenuous call to turn inward. Certainly, my current environment is super-conducive to contemplation. I could really get into a significant chunk of time spent doing quiet nesting/homemaking stuff, writing, and meditating/trancing. Very zen monastery cook territory.

More about that call to turn inward, turn towards healing, and turn towards my art: I'm really feeling that, after several years of not quite knowing where the hell my life was headed, I'm at last beginning to discern the return of some kind of direction and purpose. I'm even almost ready to resume trusting that the universe is taking care of me after all. Letting go into that trust will relieve a whole bunch of stress right there.

The universe hadn't felt trustable for some years, actually. And I feel a serious need to purge a lot of my past angst about that. In fact, I'm ready to move on from lots of my psychological baggage--you'd think, after all the therapy I've been through, I'd be done with much more of it by now. Heh, well that may just demonstrate how much more screwed up I was before therapy. But I guess it's taken all this time to get ready to let go of it all on a much deeper level.

It helps that I'm getting a lot of positive feedback for the creative work I've been putting out recently. I feel really good at how last Sunday's service went, including my credo. Goddess help me, but I love performing my written work before an audience. I gotta sign up to do a whole service during the church year some time. Maybe see if a local spoken word venue I'm fond of would be into this concept I have been playing around with for an open mic based on my First Church of Whoopie concept ...

No, wait, didn't I say I didn't want to be in charge of any big projects for awhile? See how insidious the compulsion is! (Heh.)

Anyway ... so I'm having a good time doing this week's stuff, but I'll be glad when it's done and I can finally give my self the time I deserve. And hopefully I can catch myself before I volunteer for yet another big project that sounds like lots of fun but which will once again take my focus away from my self.